Limitations is a dirty word.


 I do not like accepting the fact that they exist.   It’s kind of like rules, don’t you think?  If rules were made to be broken; limitations were made to be exceeded.

Week 1 of my competition prep has gone as smooth as I can HOPE for, being that there are going to be some major adjustments in my life and my families life.  First, lets talk about the food.   Oh my god, the food.

I am eating a LOT.  6 meals a day to be exact.  I’ve talked with my coach and found a couple ways to wiggle in things to satisfy my cravings.  But to be honest, aside from a few things here and there, they are not unbearable.   Why? Because I’m always full. Always.   Sometimes I question how I do not look like a beached whale. But, I know what I’m fueling myself with, and its all part of the process.  Don’t get me wrong, I actually lay in bead eating my last meal of the day some nights just so I can hang out with my husband for a bit and watch one of our Netflix shows before I pass out.  It’s really sexy. Plus I get a cheat meal on Saturday’s, and I make the best of it.  Last week we went to JL Beers and I got a Cajun Burger, homemade Jalapeno chips, a coke and a mini froyo.  It was glorious and I don’t think I spoke the entire time I was eating.

Moving on.. The Workouts.  I’m currently on a routine to do cardio in the mornings and lifting at night. Which sounds great in theory… but I have struggled severely with the mornings.   Gym opens at 5 am, 15 minute drive each way, 30-45 minute cardio session (plus abs on some days), get dogs & kids situated and fed, shower, eat and be on the road to work by 7:30.  It’s like my mornings have pressed fast forward and I don’t even know what happened by the time I get to work. So, not to use that as an excuse, but I have found myself doing cardio in the evenings some times… yes I’m at the gym longer at night but I refuse to miss a workout. It’s better than not doing it at all, right? Last Monday they literally turned the lights of on me at the gym.  I had one more set of abs. Did I finish? Yes. #SorryI’mNotSorry

So far,  everything sounds great!  Right? Wrong.    Here is where the limitations come into play.  I am training for something great, I am determined, I am dedicated, I am ready.  But… I am also a wife, a mom, a maid, a dishwater, a chef, a chauffeur, a laundromat, a full time employee.. this list goes on and on.  And this last week, those limitations became apparent.   After a busy weekend last week, I was not prepared at home for the week to come.  Shame on me. I was not caught up with laundry or dishes or housework and I paid that price this week.   My son ran out of clean socks and athletic shorts (which is all he will wear right now),  my husbands favorite underwear were all dirty forcing him to wear an old holy pair (which I heard all about) , my dishes have been my Everest this week- in part because our dishwasher is broken (its 2016… and I’m doing dishes by hand… I feel like I’m a real life Nellie Oleson from Little House on the Prairie) and I have literally just kept the door to our laundry room closed because it’s utterly overwhelming to look at it.

Based on the amount of laundry I do, I have come to the conclusion that there are people who live at my house that I have not yet met.

I know there is a learning curve whenever priorities and new challenges are brought upon us.  I’m chalking up this week as a lesson learned.  Considering I have weekends off from the gym right now, I have no excuse not to bust my ass and get caught up.  My to do list is disgusting but its a necessary evil to make life less stressful.  Plus,  I plan on sweet talking my kids into helping me by taking them to the beach if they do extra chores this weekend. Win-win.

I know I can do better next week.  Better with my house work, and keeping up with family, better with managing my time,  better with planning ahead for my kids week along with mine,  better with my MORNINGS, better with my meals and so on.  I’m trying to remind myself, you cannot do it all, but you can do a lot.  You can improve each day, week, month and never stop.  You can create your priorities and have a plan in place. Let’s face it,  when you take on so much, something’s gotta give eventually, and if its my laundry for a few days, then so be it.  It doesn’t mean I’m failing, it means I’m human.


Now… We are nearing my cheat meal… I really should go put some deep thought into what I want to indulge in this week.


Until next week..




Self Preservation- Step 1: Set Goal Step 2: Crush it

Today marks the start of a new chapter that I very much need.  Given the circumstances of our failed fertility journey over the last couple years, I knew I needed to focus on self-preservation because let’s face it, it’s not and never will be an easy pill to swallow. It’s not to say that some ‘miracle’ (for lack of a better term because I do not believe in that) may happen and I wake up a shocked and surprised mother-to-be, but.. in reality, if I place hope and wishes on that for the rest of my life I have a higher likelihood of constantly feeling the sadness of failure and disappointment. So I need to accept that the likelihood is very small.

I’m not sad we were open about it, it’s something that people shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about and to be honest I found a lot of people with the same struggles as myself just by putting it out there. I’m so thankful for the support of our friends and family, even if some people did say things you should never say to someone going through infertility, I know they were only trying to help.

Side note: For future reference and those who have not yet gone through this…Yes,  there are things you never say to people struggling with infertility,  google it. They include things like:

‘Stop stressing, it will just happen’ – no that’s not exactly how this works, sorry.

‘You can just adopt’ – you clearly have no clue about the situation, or cost, or the million other factors that go into adoption.

And the big one.. ‘Maybe it’s god’s will. He isn’t ready to give you a child.’ – No. Just Stahhpp.  There is no justification that a ‘god’ would give child molesters, murderers, etc, children who suffer but not a normal family. It’s science and genetics why this is happening to me, not a god. Please leave your god out of it- if the medical marvels of science could not stop me from making scrambled eggs every month, then I’m pretty sure I’m just SOL.

And so on… but seriously, google it.  there are some things you just don’t say, and if you don’t know what to say, then say nothing at all.  A simple, ‘I’m sorry that’s happening to you.’ will suffice.

Anyway, I know that this journey has made me into a bitter asshole.  I accept that and by no means am I ashamed of that.  I’m not sad that other people have the fortune of what I want, I’m sad for myself and my husband and my family that I can’t give that to. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m bitter. I’m annoyed. I’m a lot of things. But ashamed is not one of them.  Yes, I admit I’ve deleted friends, ‘unfollowed’ people, ignored people, etc… because in all honesty, congratulations on your second child or multiple thereof, but I no longer care nor can I dwell on it day in and day out.   That’s not a blanket statement, I love my friends and I love my family and I wish the best for everyone and enjoy seeing the happy times that people share with their families, but when someone posts about their pregnancy 6 times a day, she gone. It’s either that or I risk backhanding the next person I see.  Lesser of two evils.

So in a nutshell, my plan to move on is to set a goal, a big goal, for myself. Something I will enjoy.  To focus my energy, my frustration, my anger, my happiness on something that I CAN accomplish. That I CAN be proud of. And that I CAN have control over.  Something I can be happy about and love myself for.  Let’s face it,  it’s hard to love yourself when you feel that your ‘self’ is broken.Self-Preservation is essential in this life… and an occasional glass of wine.

My goal is to compete in the NPC North Stat Championships this October in the Bikini Division. Let the fun begin..