Today marks the start of a new chapter that I very much need. Given the circumstances of our failed fertility journey over the last couple years, I knew I needed to focus on self-preservation because let’s face it, it’s not and never will be an easy pill to swallow. It’s not to say that some ‘miracle’ (for lack of a better term because I do not believe in that) may happen and I wake up a shocked and surprised mother-to-be, but.. in reality, if I place hope and wishes on that for the rest of my life I have a higher likelihood of constantly feeling the sadness of failure and disappointment. So I need to accept that the likelihood is very small.
I’m not sad we were open about it, it’s something that people shouldn’t be ashamed to talk about and to be honest I found a lot of people with the same struggles as myself just by putting it out there. I’m so thankful for the support of our friends and family, even if some people did say things you should never say to someone going through infertility, I know they were only trying to help.
Side note: For future reference and those who have not yet gone through this…Yes, there are things you never say to people struggling with infertility, google it. They include things like:
‘Stop stressing, it will just happen’ – no that’s not exactly how this works, sorry.
‘You can just adopt’ – you clearly have no clue about the situation, or cost, or the million other factors that go into adoption.
And the big one.. ‘Maybe it’s god’s will. He isn’t ready to give you a child.’ – No. Just Stahhpp. There is no justification that a ‘god’ would give child molesters, murderers, etc, children who suffer but not a normal family. It’s science and genetics why this is happening to me, not a god. Please leave your god out of it- if the medical marvels of science could not stop me from making scrambled eggs every month, then I’m pretty sure I’m just SOL.
And so on… but seriously, google it. there are some things you just don’t say, and if you don’t know what to say, then say nothing at all. A simple, ‘I’m sorry that’s happening to you.’ will suffice.
Anyway, I know that this journey has made me into a bitter asshole. I accept that and by no means am I ashamed of that. I’m not sad that other people have the fortune of what I want, I’m sad for myself and my husband and my family that I can’t give that to. I’m sad. I’m hurt. I’m bitter. I’m annoyed. I’m a lot of things. But ashamed is not one of them. Yes, I admit I’ve deleted friends, ‘unfollowed’ people, ignored people, etc… because in all honesty, congratulations on your second child or multiple thereof, but I no longer care nor can I dwell on it day in and day out. That’s not a blanket statement, I love my friends and I love my family and I wish the best for everyone and enjoy seeing the happy times that people share with their families, but when someone posts about their pregnancy 6 times a day, she gone. It’s either that or I risk backhanding the next person I see. Lesser of two evils.
So in a nutshell, my plan to move on is to set a goal, a big goal, for myself. Something I will enjoy. To focus my energy, my frustration, my anger, my happiness on something that I CAN accomplish. That I CAN be proud of. And that I CAN have control over. Something I can be happy about and love myself for. Let’s face it, it’s hard to love yourself when you feel that your ‘self’ is broken.Self-Preservation is essential in this life… and an occasional glass of wine.
My goal is to compete in the NPC North Stat Championships this October in the Bikini Division. Let the fun begin..